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| The Direct Vent |
| Friday, January 20, 2006 |
The only way to begin this is to be direct: I'm having trouble believing anything anyone says to me anymore. I'm not suggesting some of these people are liars. I'm suggesting that they're cowards. The inability to be direct with me lowers my esteem for them. And trying to understand why they act this way is a Sisyphean effort.
What caused me to begin thinking about the issue of direct/indirectness stems from several current news items and some personal heartache in my friends' lives.
First there's the whole James Frey controversy. Is it fiction, or is it non-fiction. Just be upfront and tell us the truth! Don't be wishy-washy and scared of rejection.
Then there's JT Leroy. Guy? Girl? Real? Fake? Dammit people, can't you just be honest?!
And then there are examples from my friends' lives.
My friend H-- has fallen for a guy who keeps telling her he likes her and wants to hang out with her, but then only calls or answers her emails when it's convenient for him.
Another friend, A--, is kind of experiencing the same thing. At least her guy calls or emails her back (though not in a timely manner), but still acts aloof when she wants to hang out with him.
And look at Ragna's ordeal for another example.
Do these guys like the girls? If they don't, why don't they just tell them that directly? I understand trying to be a nice person and being aware of someone's feelings, but being aware of someone's feelings also includes knowing that dragging something out is more hurtful in the long run. Be direct; be honest; say what is on your mind.
Usually, this aloofness trait is attibuted to only guys, but that's not true. For me, I recently experienced it with the "girl who never called back." Her inaction is rude and inconsiderate.
I'm not saying I'm innocent. I've failed to call people when I said I would, but it's not a habit I practice on a regular basis. If you call or email me, I'll get back to you within 24 hours. That goes for friends and amatory friends.
There was a time when you could believe what people told you. You trusted them; you hoped that they were telling you the truth, helping you along in life. That feeling shouldn't be relegated to childhood. It should extend into adult lives.
In the long run, I just need to distance myself from trepid people. Their indirectness and inaction is neither cute or amusing, only ugly and cowardly. |
posted by pimplomat @ 8:32 AM  |
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| 5 Comments: |
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I agree pimplomat - people just need to be straight with each other. Human relations are messy, but the beginning is about the only chance you have to be cut and dry about whether you like the person. Both sides just need to have tougher skins.
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quit being bitter and just get drunk. when are we getting cajun?
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I think why people are not blunt with others is the fear of hurting the other one's feelings. In my case, I've been on both sides of the coin.
Back in college, if someone was REALLY bugging me, I would have a very tense confrontation with that person. Sure, my feelings were put across, but I also raised my blood pressure up to incredibly unhealthy levels and I was seen as the jerk. Sure, matters changed; they got worse.
Now, I try to be as tactful as possible, but still very honest, when expressing myself. I think a big turnoff is when people are rude when they are honest. Criticism works best when it doesn't feel personal, but when it does feel personal, it hurts.
I've been burned plenty of times by harsh honesty and I have never enjoyed it. Yeah, I could say that the person was "right" but when that person was cruel, rude and/or mean about it, that never goes over well with me.
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I agree pimplomat - people just need to be straight with each other. Human relations are messy, but the beginning is about the only chance you have to be cut and dry about whether you like the person. Both sides just need to have tougher skins.